<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>(Non) Coping Mechanism by UltimateOptimist</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26463367">(Non) Coping Mechanism</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/UltimateOptimist/pseuds/UltimateOptimist'>UltimateOptimist</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sam Seaborn hurt/comfort series [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The West Wing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:07:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,631</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26463367</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/UltimateOptimist/pseuds/UltimateOptimist</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam's stress levels cause a particularly destructive coping mechanism to  resurface</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ainsley Hayes/Sam Seaborn, C. J. Cregg/Sam Seaborn, Josh Lyman/Sam Seaborn, Sam Seaborn/Toby Ziegler</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sam Seaborn hurt/comfort series [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1902520</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>44</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>(Non) Coping Mechanism</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>**Please do not read if disordered eating habits trigger you**<br/>I don't own anything, I don't mean to upset anyone by this fic...</p><p>Big thank you for all the lovely feedback so far on this series. Any plot bunnies you might want to see by all means suggest them and I can see what I can do....</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Sam is stressed he doesn’t eat – it’s not planned he just doesn’t have an appetite. Sometimes the gnawing hunger helps him focus when the anxiety sits heavy in his stomach. When he’s really stressed he is nauseous all the time, so it’s just easier not to. He tries though – even if it is half a sandwich he eats lunch everyday.  He’s not sure when it actually started – he thinks it might go as far back as High School, he’s aware it is not a healthy coping mechanism – he’d been doing well for a while. As bored as he was at Whitney Gage he ran every morning, which made him hungry enough to eat breakfast despite what he had planned for work. It was just a shame that the job left him unfulfilled. </p><p>Now he has a job he loves – and thrives in. But it leaves no time for routine which means he often gets in late and leaves early – which means weeks of skipped breakfast. Sometimes he and Josh eat Bagels in their office but it depends on early meetings, and the late evenings the night before. The stress he feels is a constant hum in the back of his mind -sometimes just enough to  keep him motivated, sharp, energised; sometimes though it makes his heart pound and his breath short. The days where he can barely make coffee without dropping the cup he tends to skip breakfast, lunch and then eat a small meal prior to bedtime.  Although he loves it, it’s more stressful then Witney, and the anxiety he sometimes feels compounds the problem.</p><p>Since Rosslyn though he admits it’s been worse. The first few days he cannot eat due to sheer fear, fear of loosing his best friend. Even when Josh was speaking – eyes hooded with fatigue and pain, Sam couldn’t let go of that fear. It made his stomach churn and his heart pound so fast he wondered once whether he was having a heart attack – in typical Sam fashion he doesn’t want to make a fuss so he instead drives himself to the ER and after several tests was told he was suffering from palpations likely due to stress and had a prescription for beta-blockers. He was also told  to never drive himself to the hospital, alone, with chest pains. Embarrassed, chastised and shaken he couldn’t eat more then several handfuls of fruit for days. His problem was trivial and he was managing it – he went back to work the next day, tired from the ER trip and didn’t say a word to the already stressed out staff. The beta-blockers he sometimes has to take, reduce his already diminished appetite and all Sam can do to try and help himself is work out when he can and that makes him hungry. </p><p>It’s two weeks before the State of The Union – and his first drafting session with Toby was….well tense. Toby thrives on tension, on barbs always has but it’s beginning to get to Sam. Their first session is argumentative to say the least – with Sam’s strong emotional approach muted by the ever-practical Toby. Sam tries not to take it personally, he is self-aware enough to realise that his approach is more  of Toby’s tool not anything to do with him but today the sheer confrontation of it makes his palms sweat and heart pound. He really has had enough. </p><p>“Toby that’s not what I am saying…..” Sam’s voice is sharp, and he’s about to go full on Sam-Lawyer-Mode but then a voice interrupts them.</p><p>“Lunch Fellas? I can hear you bickering in the hall” CJ asks from the doorway with a smirk.  Toby glares at her, but CJ remains unflinching. </p><p>“Sure,” Toby sighs, standing up ready to head to mess. </p><p>Sam stays seated – no intention of a) eating or b) staying any longer with Toby then he needs to. His stomach is churning, and he needs some air to try and soothe the tightness in his chest….or maybe a beta blocker.</p><p>“Sam?” CJ asks, the smirk and easy -going air slipping. </p><p>“I’ll catch you guys up,” he lies – figuring he can make some excuse later. Luckily CJ either accepts this, or realises he needs a break and lets him be.  She nods, Toby doesn’t even look at him as he leaves.<br/>
Sam waits for a few minutes then decides to have a walk around DC, as he is signing out of the building he bumps into Josh coming in. </p><p>“Hey you off for a meeting?” Josh asks casually as he picks up the pen to sign in. Truth be told he cannot remember his friends schedule – there’s a vague nagging thought they had agreed to have lunch, but he is grateful that Sam is on his way out – still trying to get back up to speed from being off.</p><p>Josh is so wrapped up on his thoughts he doesn’t notice how much Sam’s hands are shaking as he puts the pen down.<br/>
“Just some air,” Sam shrugs, really wishing he had his running trainers with him today. </p><p>Josh raises his eyebrows, hesitant about opening up the can of worms clearly in front of him. Sam doesn’t even look at him as he says goodbye and races to the door, he nods to agents on the door, and security at the gate – not letting his mask slip until he rounds the corner, out of sight. </p><p>Safe to say he doesn’t eat for the rest of the day.</p><p>XXXXXXXXXXX</p><p>The anxiety that Sam has post Rossyln fades into the background for a while – always there, but more manageable. His appetite is as small as ever but he manages to maintain his weight by running to make him hungry, forcing food down little and often, using smoothies and protein shakes. He hates that eating seems to be such a chore – it’s not that he doesn’t want to eat, or that he wants to deny himself food, he just cannot eat. He knows it is a problem – one which is ever increasing.</p><p>The Josh starts to struggle – the weeks leading up to the holidays feel particularly fraught. Sam doesn’t really want to go back west this year, but he isn’t sure he can bear another year of disappointing his mother. It might be good for him, to have some home cooking, some time sailing but then as the reserve thing pops up Sam realises with a heavy heart that he shall have to leave earlier to work on it – and realises he probably wanted to go home more than he thought he did. He makes a note to grab a bagel after his meeting – he didn’t manage to eat at all yesterday, not hungry first thing, followed by a busy day with a forgotten eat-at-my-desk lunch and toast for dinner because he couldn’t be bothered to make anything more and he was too tired to run to work up an appetite.<br/>
“Did you sort it?” CJ asks as he heads back to his office.</p><p>“Yeah” Sam sighs, trying to ignore the vague feeling of dizziness as he pours a cup of coffee – it makes him spill, and swear under his breath.</p><p>“Want one?” He asks.</p><p>“Easy there Spanky,” CJ hands him a napkin. “Please.” The press secretary frowns as she spots how much Sam’s hands are shaking. </p><p>“Sam are you ok?” She asks quietly, voice suddenly concerned as she puts her steady hand over his trembling one. She looks at him and sees how pale he suddenly is.</p><p>“I uh…I might need to sit down.” Sam admitted, surprised at how dizzy and warm he is all of a sudden, inside cursing himself for letting this get so far. He cannot be falling down at work. </p><p>“C’mon lets head to your office,” CJ  takes his hand away from the second cup – she can grab one later, and hovers near his arm as they walk across the bullpen, CJ takes the cup from his right hand which is trembling so violently CJ is concerned he’s going to spill it down himself. Once inside Sam leans on the door, letting his head rest on the door while CJ hurries around the desk to pull up his desk chair and gently push him into it. Sam’s ashen now, and quiet – which never bodes well. </p><p>“I’ll be ok in a second,” Sam mumbles, head leaning into his knees, “I skipped breakfast this morning….and lunch last night” he admits, because the alternative explanation is that he is sick – whilst that might help him on a personal level it is not going to help the team. He is not going to but others at a disadvantage just because he cannot face food when stressed out – and Sam has been stressed, stressed for months now.</p><p>“What we going to do with you Samshine?” CJ sighs, a soft fond exasperation to her voice. </p><p>“I’m going to go grab some fruit, you need the sugar” She tells him and walks out, shutting the door behind her and Sam overhears her telling Ginger not to disturb them. Sam huffs a sigh onto his knees, embarrassed and a little scared at how far he is pushing his body. He knows he needs to start addressing…whatever this is. He cannot pass-out, not here. </p><p>Sam has no concept of time, but CJ appears again soon enough. He feels better now he is still, and seated but he can feel his hands still shaking and he’s vaguely nauseous. </p><p>“Sam, I got an orange for you hun,” the term of endearment slipping out unintentionally. Although she knows Toby the longest, and Toby came to get her as Josh did with Sam CJ’s soft spot has always been Sam Seabourn. From the day she met him they just clicked – similar odd humour, the constant optimism, the sheer intelligence of the younger man – it was very hard not to like Sam Seabourn. That bond only grew after Rossyln, not just for saving her life, but for never mentioning it either. Sam is the unsung hero in many ways – and CJ can’t help but think they are letting him down, that this job lets him down.  </p><p>Sam takes it with a trembling hand, smirking as he realises she’s already peeled it for him.</p><p>“No jokes,” CJ warns spotting it – more relieved Sam can make a joke at this point. Sam eats half and quickly feels better, the room stops spinning and whilst not hungry per say, definitely no longer nauseous. He hums and straightens up, taking a sip of water – hands still shaky but much less then 10minutes ago. </p><p>CJ gives him a few more minutes before speaking again. She takes the time to properly look at him – Sam has clearly lost some weight, his cheekbones more prominent then ever and he looks…tired.  CJ sighs, nothing has felt right for a long time – the jobs they do often a thankless task and although things have been on the up, Rossyln hit them all a lot harder then any of them care to admit. She thinks back – none of them too any time off after the shooting, but Sam really stood up. He stepped in when she needed a break in the briefings, he took additional tasks from Toby when he was trying to help Leo juggle Josh’s workload. He drafted endless statements, briefings. None of them ever discuss their feelings about it to each other, but she wonders if Sam ever actually discussed it with anyone. For someone who appears open Sam rarely discusses anything personal – instead offering benign conversation – it makes him very good at his job – approachable, friendly but not overly personal.</p><p>“I’m ok,” Sam breaks the silence, and CJ’s thoughts. He is looking better – his hands have stopped shaking and some of his colour has returned – he’s still pale though. </p><p>“That’s debatable” CJ frowns back, “Sam……”</p><p>“I’m fine” his tone is firm, posture defensive. He softens at her expression, “Really CJ it was stupid…it’s just with everything, and Josh….I got caught up in it” Sam admits, not looking at her but his now still hands. He can cope with this. He can do this. </p><p>CJ puts a gentle hand on his shoulder, “Things will get better, we just….we need a break” she laughs softly at the sheer absurdity of the statement. Sam huffs a very tired laugh too.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Let’s meet for lunch ok? No more skipping…..” CJ warns and Sam resigns to the fact that today he is eating lunch no matter how sick it makes him feel.</p><p>“Sure,” he promises, standing up and wheeling his chair back to his desk. CJ takes it as the gentle dismissal it is.  </p><p>XXXXXXXX</p><p>The two share lunch – and the incident is completely forgotten by both Sam himself, and CJ once the oval meeting happens.  Josh is more short-tempered then normal, and Sam is concerned. He’s tried to talk to Josh for weeks but his best friend is stubbornly stoic and shrugs off any attempt at a conversation that isn’t about work, or a beer. It frustrates Sam, who in turn just tries to work harder, to do things the best he can first time to limit everyone’s workload. </p><p>He cannot help but be annoyed when his meeting with the president is interrupted by Toby and Josh – he cannot help but feel like he is a child being supervised despite the fact that both men outrank him, and therefore can sit on any meeting they want.  The annoyance drains away when Josh begins to raise his voice, each word making his stomach churn with anxiety. This is not his friend – this is anger, this is aggression not frustration or opinion. </p><p>“Josh,” Sam cannot help but warn softly – trying to remind the deputy chief of staff that he is talking to the leader of the free world.  Josh doesn’t acknowledge his name, instead continues the rant – Toby and Sam share a look of concern, mirrored by Leo.  Quickly the 3 are dismissed, and Sam tries to make himself relax with the knowledge that his friend is with Leo. </p><p>He is even more concerned when Toby knocks on his door after the Oval office meeting.</p><p>“What’s going on with Josh?” Toby is as straight as ever. Sam sighs and put his pen down – he wasn’t really able to concentrate on the page in front of him. His heart still feels like it is racing, and the noise from the band is further fraying his nerves. It’s a loaded question – the truth is Sam doesn’t know, he suspects but he doesn’t know because Josh wont talk to him; and that has kept him up the last few nights.</p><p>“He….I don’t know” Sam sighs truthfully. </p><p>“Damnit it” Toby mutters, voice calm as ever but the curse and his face show his frustration. </p><p>“Yeah,” Sam sighs raising his eyebrows.</p><p> </p><p>XXXXXXXXXXXX<br/>
As Josh begins to get better so does Sam – his appetite increases again, although not up to the standards 6 months previously it’s better and Sam stops losing weight, although he doesn’t regain the stone he has managed to lose previously.  He finds more time to relax for himself. Then the drop-in happens. </p><p>Sam resolutely does not look his boss in the eye as he pushes past him – eyes firmly fixed to the floor as he walks to his office and throws himself into his chair. He was the last to know. Damn Drop in.  He knows that should not be his overriding  thought – there’s so much more to deal with but still the drop in, Toby’s inability to discuss it with him…hurts…. The fact he let him draft the speech 7 times, the fact he didn’t know but Toby, CJ, the president, Josh, Leo….they all knew and never said a thing, let him be blind-sighted, and on a topic he feels so passionate about….that it stings – a lot. He’s not stupid, he knows that on the senior staff ranking, he is the least reliable, the least experienced, the most naïve but the lack of respect that sometimes earns him feels unjustified. He’s left out of a lot – and it hurts, to think these people who spends so much time with, his friends – keep him out of the loop.  </p><p>“Sam?” It’s Josh – hovering awkwardly at the door. It’s so uncharacteristic of his friend, Sam cannot help but snort softly. It would be funny – only it isn’t. </p><p>“Don’t” Sam’s voice is so tense that Josh winces. It’s a tone he rarely hears – saved for heated debates, and Josh doesn’t think it has ever been directed at him.  Sam doesn’t even look at him his back turned just enough to look at the window but his friend can see the tension across the shoulders.</p><p>Josh feels like an ass- because although it was Toby’s brainchild he allowed it to go ahead. Josh knew that the drop-in was coming, unlike CJ, but still did nothing to change it or warn him. Josh knew it was the right call, and having Sam know would’ve likely caused too much of a debate to control, but as a friend he really couldn’t feel much worse.</p><p>“Sam please…” He tries again.</p><p>Sam is barely holding the anger at bay, he turns sharply and Josh grimaces at the tension in his friend’s jaw, the rage behind his eyes. </p><p>“No! Don’t do that…you might outrank me but don’t come into my office and override me…not here” Sam spits out, “I said no…you don’t get to come in here and try and excuse it, or apologise, or whatever it is you came here to do.” Sam’s voice is beginning to rise, and Josh steps inside his office, wishing he had closed the door earlier – well aware the few left in the bullpen are watching. </p><p>“Sam,” Josh tries for the third time – and in hindsight that was a mistake. Sam’s voice is well and truly raised at this point, everyone can hear and judging by the lack of usual background buzz they are. Josh is also aware of Toby and CJ in the office next door – their own hushed voices also silenced.</p><p>“DO NOT SPEAK TO ME…..Don’t you understand how this feels? It all makes sense now,  I know I am the political idealist here…I have strong visions that I admit are not always possible to achieve but I thought you all respect that my thoughts, me….but you don’t none of you do I’m just….the whipping boy who writes the odd good word here and there,  who knows the law, who’s good at smoozing because I’m likeable…..but it’s not respect…  not one of you respect me, none…we aren’t…..” Sam begins to deflate there, the anger draining him. Josh says nothing- really for once he is speechless because Sam is nothing but dependable and reliable – he is never one to make a scene, to raise his voice, or quick to anger. Sam balances them out, and Josh really didn’t realise just how much they had all crossed the line, how much they take advantage of their youngest member until it’s literally just been spelt out to him.  Sam turns to face the window again, voice smaller, more hurt then angry. </p><p>“I thought we are a team, but we aren’t a team…there’s you guys then me….and I thought we knew each other better then that. Hell Josh you came and got me…for what? To be your political whipping boy? You don’t need me to be a lawyer, we have great ones so it’s not that…..” Sam huffs a laugh and closes his eyes – tone flat.  “Get out…get out my office…now” Sam warns not even opening his eyes. </p><p>Josh hesitates but he can see that Sam is barely holding himself together – and if he stays Sam is either going to breakdown or swing at him. Deciding it best to wait out the temper, Josh leaves glaring at the quiet bullpen as if to tell them all to be back at work.  As expected Toby and CJ are next door, and seeing Josh the pair stand up, aware of the ever-watching bullpen, Josh just shakes his head minutely – he’ll talk to Leo, then they can discuss Sam together. </p><p>XXXXXXXXXXXXX</p><p>“What we going to do now?” CJ asks with a sigh. She is desperate to reach out to Sam. CJ feels awful, even though she had no prior warning to the drop in she feels awful about the fact Sam is upset, awful that to be honest she let this happen.</p><p>“I’ll talk to him,” Toby sighs, rubbing his eyebrow with one hand, tapping the table with the other. Toby feels guilty because really its his fault. It was necessary he knows that, but to do it so underhand with no heads up wasn’t fair. Truthfully, he didn’t expect Sam’s reaction to be so strong, yeah he would be angry then calm down once it was explained to him, that or a part of Toby thought he might never find out. To hear Sam’s anger, his sadness at what had happened made Toby feel like the worst person.</p><p>Josh says nothing the whole meeting – for once he has no plan. How do they fix this?</p><p>XXXXXXXXXXXXXX</p><p>For the first time since he started work – Sam considers ringing in sick the day after the drop in. He’s still seething – it’s not the political angle of it, once he calmed down enough to think it through, once he let Toby speak he had to admit some defeat to the remarks made. The other part – that still hurts and he cannot bear the thought of being at the west wing all day. He can’t ring in sick though – he made a promise to serve the country, and that’s what he will do. He pushes himself out of bed – its only 5am but he cannot sleep much longer. So the brunette decides to go for a run – 90 minutes later he’s done but he cannot face food – his stomach churning, palms sweating so instead he skips his coffee, and any food. Instead he showers and heads straight to the office. </p><p>“Sam?” Leo knocks on his door at 7am – not surprised to see him early, in fact Leo got here at 6.30 am to catch him just in-case. As always, Sam does not let him down.</p><p>“Morning,” Sam looks up with a small, clearly forced smile. </p><p>“You’re in early,” Leo observes casually. </p><p>Sam shrugs, “Had some stuff to finish.” </p><p>“Sam….”Leo begins, feeling the need to say something. “The drop-in…it wasn’t personal” </p><p>“Its politics” Sam finishes for him, blue eyes steely and jaw tight. “ I know….but for the record I would never do that, not without warning.” </p><p>Leo concedes that – it is probably true Sam would in all likelihood given them a heads up.  He steps into the office, sensing the temper Toby had told him about yesterday wasn’t quite gone.<br/>
“Yeah….It doesn’t….It’s not that he doesn’t respect you Sam. We all respect you, we trust you…you do a good job, a great job.” Leo tells him. </p><p>Sam nods, he wants to believe Leo but he isn’t sure he does. Leo nods, and leaves – leaving the younger man with his thoughts.</p><p>XXXXXXXXX</p><p>Honestly the pep talk doesn’t help all that much. The week goes on and things are still very strained between the senior staff – nothing changes on a professional level. Despite the hit on the drop in Sam finds the strength to continue as normal – all of them impressed with the professionalism. Personally he tends to avoid almost everyone – polite smiles to the bullpen, helpful in briefings but more subdued.<br/>
Sam would like to say it was all due to how he feels – but truth be told by the time Friday rolls around the deputy communications manager has not eaten in 4 days – he manages the odd piece of fruit but he honestly cannot stomach anything else. He is physically and mentally exhausted. He tries – half a sandwich here and there but he manages a bite or two before he is nauseous. Today it feels like he is walking around with cotton wool in his ears, head heavy and tired – so tired. He can feel the vague tremble of his hands so he hides them in his suit jacket, opting to use his laptop instead of writing and underlining things in pencil so he can try and ignore how shaky the line is. Sam knows he is pushing his body too far – he’s cold, his head aches but he can no longer force any food inside. He threw up a slice of toast before making it in this morning. Truthfully when he is anxious like this, the gnawing hunger helps. </p><p> To top the week off Ainsley stops by. He actually likes the blonde, after a rocky start he can see why the president wanted to hire her – but he doesn’t have the energy for verbal sparring today, or to try and keep up with her quick words.</p><p>“Did you see the new legislation for small businesses?” Ainsley doesn’t even bother with a hello or the general niceties. </p><p>“Morning Ainsley,” Sam replies instead, dropping his pencil and hiding his shaking hands in his suit jacket sleeves.  He doesn’t look up, because if he does the room will spin again, and if he doesn’t make eye contact then maybe she will go away. </p><p>“The new legislation proposed” Ainsley prompts. </p><p>Sam sighs, her tone of voice not helping his headache.  “I am aware of it…,” he admits. Sam doesn’t want to get in an argument not today. </p><p>“Sam! I thought we’d changed stance here….” Ainsley starts. Normally Sam would let her finish, normally he would be nicer, offer her a seat, a cup of coffee but today he can’t. Today its hard for him to concentrate, there’s a faint buzzing in his ears and he just wants her to stop.</p><p>“We have.” He states bluntly, finally raising his head and looking at her. He checks his watch. “I have staff in 10…we have but we had to compromise to get the backing, so that’s the new proposal…speak to Toby about it.” He lifts a trembling hand to rub his eyebrow, praying he isn’t developing a migraine on top of everything else. </p><p>Ainsley goes to open her mouth, argue back when she spots his hand. She looks at him and realises for the first time since she walked into his office just how pale he is. There are deep dark circles under his eyes, and he looks….exhausted. Perfectly pressed in his suit, hair immaculate but tired in a way which makes him look weary to the bone. </p><p>“Are you ok?” She blurts out. </p><p>Sam startles for a second, suddenly looking almost…afraid and in that moment Ainsley is aware how much weight he’s lost – how drawn he looks, how pale he is.<br/>
“Uh…yeah” he lies, trying to ignore the fact he is seeing two blonde republicans for a brief moment. </p><p>“You don’t look so well,” Ainsley states clearly concerned. </p><p>Sam sighs, briefly closing his eyes and willing himself to find the strength to  prove he is ok. </p><p>“Thanks for the concern, but I’m ok…a very long week that’s all.” He states pleasantly, his voice firm but kind.</p><p>Ainsley backs off and nods, “Ok, I’m going to head back to my office now,” she leaves slowly, clearly hesitant to leave.  Sam puts his head down and resolutely stares at his desk the entire time.<br/>
“Sam?” Josh’s voice startles him from the page he is reading.</p><p>“Staff?” Josh asks, not bothering with any small talk – clearly Sam has been in no mood to talk all week. He is concerned at how pale Sam looks today, deciding to push a little after staff.  As Sam stands his head swims for a second, his body reeling from the change in equilibrium. His legs feel vaguely shaking underneath him but he follows after Josh. Half way down the corridor Sam realises with dismay he doesn’t think he can make it the oval office. He slows a little, and by sheer strength of will he manages to reach it – Charlie waves the pair in – everyone else ready and waiting. Sam sits down next to CJ, who eyes him warily as he sits. Sensing her stiffen, her and Josh share a look – which is not missed by Leo or Toby about their youngest staff member.</p><p>“Good Morning everyone, stay seated” The president begins enters the oval office.</p><p>XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX</p><p>By the end of the meeting Sam isn’t listening – he can barely hear what’s being said, it is like the whole world is underwater. He doesn’t hear the dismissal, or the president leave to head to the situation room.<br/>
“Sam?” Cj’s voice is distorted but he can feel a warm hand on his arm which he is guessing is the head of press. </p><p>“I…Uh…” Sam can’t even make a sentence his vision is blurry around the edges. He runs a trembling hand through his hair. The 3 other staff members share a look. Sam is ashen, making the dark circles under his eyes even more pronounced.<br/>
“Get Charlie to call the on-call doctor,” Toby tells Josh, crouching down next to Sam. Toby passes a glass of water to CJ, hoping she can get him to drink a little.</p><p>CJ catches his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze to try and help ground him. </p><p>“Hey Sam, what’s going on?” She asks. </p><p>“Feel funny,” Sam replies, closing his eyes against the dizziness that is making the oval office spinning sickeningly around him. </p><p>“Sam? Sam did you skip breakfast again?” CJ prompts, squeezing his hand again. Toby looks up at that – clearly this has happened before. He takes a minute to really look at his deputy -  who is pale and trembling. He notices the slimness of his face, the thinness in his wrists and realises with a jolt that it is likely he has – and has for a fair few mornings.</p><p>“Dizzy,” Sam mumbles, eyes still closed. CJ isn’t sure If he is avoiding the question or confused to answer. She can feel him leaning on her as his vision begins to blur. </p><p>“Sam? Sam!”<br/>
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX</p><p>After Sam lost consciousness in the Oval office the doctor arrived, immediately called an ambulance and after an hour of waiting there was still no news.<br/>
CJ and Toby sit while Josh paces in the waiting room.</p><p>“Josh sit down will ya?” Toby instructs the movement fraying his nerves. Josh sighs but complies.<br/>
“He’s lost weight.” Josh observed, leaning forward resting his forearms on his knees. </p><p>“Yeah, he…he nearly passed out a prior to the holidays…he said he skipped breakfast. I thought it was just a one-off, we’ve been so busy I didn’t think….” CJ admits, guilt gnawing at her stomach.<br/>
“Hey none of that.” Toby stops her, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder. </p><p>“Sam….Sam could’ve reached out, if he wanted. Sometimes…sometimes you have to hit a point before you’re willing to admit the problem.” Josh adds, clearly speaking from his own circumstances. CJ and Toby agree – surprised it’s one of the rare moments that Josh references his recent troubles. </p><p>“Are you here for Sam Seabourn?” A tall slim doctor suddenly appears at the door way of the waiting room.<br/>
“Yes! How is he?” CJ asks, all three on their feet.</p><p>“Please sit down…He’s ok. He is awake. He’s malnourished and dehydrated. We’ve given him some IV fluids and we’ll keep him overnight to make sure he is ok.” The doctor explains.<br/>
“And the long-term?” Toby asks. </p><p>“It’s up to him…but we can always refer for help.” The doctor replies.  “Would you like to see him?</p><p>XXXXXXXXXX</p><p>Sam is propped up in bed – little more colour in his cheeks then the pillow behind his head. There’s an IV sticking uncomfortably in his hand, and like a child he cannot help but pick at it. </p><p>“Leave that alone,” Toby warns as he walks in Josh and CJ following. </p><p>“Hey guys,” Sam looks embarrassed, not quite looking any of them in the eyes. </p><p>“How you feeling?” CJ sits on his bed, a warm hand on his thigh. </p><p>“Better,” Sam sighs, relaxing into the pillows more – a sign of how utterly fatigued he is.</p><p>The 4 sit in silence for a moment – Sam looking like a child who’s been caught doing something he shouldn’t; The other 3 not sure how to address it.</p><p>“Sorry, for this….It….Things just snowballed.” Sam states softly after a while, voice choking at the end, staring at his hands. </p><p>“Don’t do that….Don’t make this a small thing!” Toby exclaimed – guilt at not noticing how much his deputy struggling, and concern making him angry.</p><p>Sam flinches at the tone – deep down he knows his boss, his friend, is just concerned and annoyed at himself for not noticing it.</p><p>“I think what Toby is trying to say, is this…this is not something that’s recent is it?” CJ asks gently, hand rubbing at his thigh. </p><p>Sam feels a lump in his throat and shakes his head, feeling red hot prickling tears in his eyes. It’s a relief really – that someone knows.  That they know, that his coping mechanism he picked up can maybe be addressed.<br/>
“Sam, it’s going to be ok alright? We can deal with this.” Josh promises, sounding so sure as always that Sam can feel instant comfort at it. </p><p>“I’m going to call Leo,” Toby excuses himself – needing a minute to collect himself.</p><p>Josh rolls his eyes – and for the first time in weeks there’s a true smile on Sam Seabourn’s face – not his usual dazzler, but there none the less.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>What do you think?</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>